The psychology of attachment
- Yara Vohora
- Jul 8
- 3 min read
This article discusses sensitive topics including toxic relationships, emotional abuse, and the psychological impact of attachment and separation. If you find these themes distressing or are currently struggling, please consider reading with care and seek support if needed. Helpful resources include:
“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or holding on” – Eckhart Tolle
Have you ever been through or experienced ‘no contact’? A feeling far deeper than heartbreak, a feeling that words can barely hold. Grieving a person who is still alive is one of the greatest examples of human suffering, yet we do it over and over again for the person we love.
Why is it that humanity loves, cares, and yearns, when suffering is nothing but inevitable?
In psychology, attachment is “the deep emotional bond between two people, seeking each other’s closeness when distressed or threatened” – Bowlby 1969.
According to the attachment theory researched by Saul McLeod, our strongest bonds are formed in childhood, with the people that raise us, and teach us how to manage the complex emotions of stress, fear, and ignorance. It is said that these early years shape not only how we view ourselves but carves its way into our future relationships with other people.
It is important to note that attachment theory is one of several models used to explain relationship behaviors. Other theories and personal experiences may also influence how we form and maintain connections.
Types of attachment styles:
There are four main types, we often fall into multiple.
Secure attachment – It is the impact of the people. The delicacy in the comfort of your mother’s arms, or the security you feel in your father’s strong touch. The impact of the people that build the foundation of your life.
Anxious attachment – Craving the touch of someone you love but being met with fear and panic of abandonment and desertion. When love is a juxtaposition, feeling cold yet warm at the same time.
Dismissive avoidant attachment – Protecting yourself from the impermanence of people, connection and love. Building a wall that people cannot enter, nor one that you can leave.
Fearful avoidant attachment – Also known as disorganized attachment, whereby the intimacy that you so deeply crave creates conflict with the hurt that you shield yourself from. Running from something that is all you have ever wanted. This can be known as the most toxic attachment style.
Toxic relationships can feel like walking into a fire, knowing that it is going to burn you. Recognizing the behavioural patterns that create a toxic relationship is essential in avoiding emotional abuse and manipulation. The endless fights, the harsh criticisms and talking without feeling listened to, are not indications of love – no matter what the media would like us to believe. Certain behaviors such as these should not be normalized; they should be confronted.
The 'no contact rule' rule is a way to separate yourself from the destruction that comes with a toxic individual and hence, a toxic relationship. We are often blindsided by love and oblivious to the declining of our self-worth when invested in the wrong person. No contact ensures that you dedicate time to getting to know yourself, rather than absorbing what someone else thinks of you, and basing your worth on how someone treats you.
According to neuroscience, attachment triggers the same neural pathways in your brain as addiction. This is why separation from our loved ones can feel like withdrawal, but, just like addiction, when you distance from these people and situations, your neural pathways have the ability to rewire. This is where the phrase ‘if you love someone, let them go’ first came to life.
"We accept the love we think we deserve"- The perks of being Wallflower
Perhaps we never truly stop admiring the people we love but learn a different way to love them. Love that stems from the love you find within yourself. Loving someone from afar is better than loving someone who never saw you at all.
At the end of the day, attachment is not your incapacity, but rather a mirror that reflects our scars, connections and growth. The most fulfilling act a person can do is to love deeply. Love is not conditional, but the degree to which it consumes is within our control.
Reference
Attachment Theory in Psychology
By Saul McLeod (May 20, 2025)
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
Knowing when to go no-contact with a toxic person to protect your wellbeing (July 11, 2025) https://williamsburgtherapygroup.com/blog/knowing-when-to-go-no-contact-with-a-toxic-person-to-protect-your-well-being
Attachment styles and how they affect our adult relationships (March 13, 2025) https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships
Attachment and bonding (reviewed by psychology today staff) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment
The psychology of attachment, 1st edition (August 15, 2023)
By Robbie Duschinsky, Pehr Granqivist, Tommie Forslund
The attachment project (August 12, 2022)
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/addiction-and-attachment-theory/
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